You can be told so many different things and take them in so many different ways, the tone of what is said, the manner in which it is spoken to you, on text, was it capitals, was the right emoji with it, but the words can still be the same, it’s the way the meaning is interpreted by you, and then the way you process that in your mind to fit in with you, and your current situation. Bad news, is it really bad news or just what we don’t want to hear, big difference there. Reality is a big kick up the arse for some, “sorry your not good enough to carry on on this course, sorry,” and how many have gone on to prosper at something else because of that and had a great life. Life is a journey and we don’t know where it will take us and where it will end, but the journey’s can be incredible. We choose one path and put everything into going that way, but a slight detour can be a hugely different even better journey than you ever could of imagined. ‘Turn a different corner and we never would have met,’ A famous line from a song by George Micheal, but so true. How many people have you met by chance, and had a great time knowing them, or spent years searching for a view of a mountain, and then seeing it after 50 years hoping for that clear day, and finally getting it. Great times in a great life.
After seeing my Oncologist on Thursday, the news we had wasn’t what we were hoping for or expecting, but it’s just that, news, maybe not the news we wanted, but it was about where we are in my journey with this cancer, and this is where we actually right now. So I heard everything he said, took it on board and then carry on as normal, I know I’m not normal. Once things are processed in my mind, I can deal with them, with a different outlook to most, life is a cycle, and it’s gone around and around for millions of years, and won’t stop because I don’t want to get off here yet. Getting told you have a life limiting cancer, it heightens your awareness of the people around the world who die each day, and have no idea their life will end that day, there was an earthquake yesterday in Eastern Turkey, I love Turkey and feel for the loss of life there, the generosity and kindness of the people stays with you, and it’s such a beautiful friendly place, I can’t wait to get back there, and am sending love to those affected by this. There are tragedies closer to home, two fires have claimed the lives of children, I can’t imagine what their families are going through with such a loss, again my heart goes out to these families and communities affected by such a devastating tragedy.
My point is, it puts what an oncologist says to me in perspective, and that I may now be on the home straight, but look what I have and where I’ve been, it’s our 32nd anniverary this year, we have four kids, 6th granchild arriving in March, it seems so greedy to expect any more, when I have and have had so much in my 54 years. I’m certainly not giving in or up on this battle with cancer, I’m actually buzzing and ready for a long term fight with this and realishing it, bring it on. I feel so much inside me all battling against this cancer as one, which is now in the lining of my brain, and is such a hard place to get to, they can’t do anything for it now, I’ll be having some radiotherapy, but this may help some of the numbness going down my left side I’ve been having, only mild episodes, but it may not, it won’t cure anything or extend life, I have thoses bits covered by my attitude. My Oncologist said his prediction is based on the patients fitness, he’s reading a script, and I’m not on it, he was just reading it off to me, well that’s me off there then, I’m fairly fit considering everything, I can walk up six flights of stairs quite easily, how many can do that. The moans and groans when people realise the lift isn’t working, and they only live a few floors up, any excercise is good for you. Few years ago the lift went out for three weeks over christmas, and you started to get to know a few people from meeting them on the stairs some days, which was nice, a little interaction is good for the soul.
I think my attitude towards my cancer is starting to rub off on my wife and kids, they’re starting to be more accepting of it now, even though it has been going on for sixteen months now, but I had Sonia my wife, and Lib and Chris, our daughter and son in law, in with the doctor on Thursday, and after he was pushing me to ask the ultimate question, “Is there anything you would like to ask me?” Knowing it was the big one, after bowing my head, take a deep breath and here we go then “Where do you think we in this then now?” and he tells me “6-12 weeks from the end,” “As close as that,” “Yes I’m sorry.” This is where you expect the buckets of tears to come pouring out, but they don’t, they look to me and see I’m holding out fine, and then the doctor says “this is based on the patients fitness,” as I said that’s me off this straight away, always 100% positive, take everything head-on, process it, accept it, “Yeah Whatever Doc!” And just carry on regardless, the end will be here when it’s here, and when I come face to face with death, he’s gonna get as bigger a shock as I am seeing me standing there as I will when I see him standing in front of me, and that’s when I’ll deal with that. You can only deal with what’s in front of you, and if you don’t feel your about drop off this mortal coil, then we don’t even contemplate it yet, there’s a lot to do this year, it’s only January, 11 more months to plan and look forward to yet. It’s a bit of a ramble this blog, but the news you get, the steroids and epilepsy tablets I’m now on, and always the reality that I know something isn’t right in my head at the moment, all makes for a different take on life at the moment, coming out as a ramble to the normal blog, but I’m happy and feel in a very happy place right now, with the courage to take this on as far as it wants to go, I can feel the adrenaline in my veins flowing to fight this all the way. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog and to stick with it, it is appreciated, take care and see you soon and I wish you all the best with your journeys, never forget to stop and take some time out to see where you are and take a look at the view, and allow yourself to be happy, this is a happy post hoping to spread some love and happiness to you all, and for you to actually appreciate that you are you, and your so lucky, cos I think your great. Don’t be afraid of lung cancer, or where ever it ends up inside you, mind over matter! As the great man himself said, Bruce Lee “If it kills you, it kills you!”
The opening lines of this blog where “Some of us scream, some of us shout” a song from the early eighties album “Strive to Survive Causing The Least Suffering Possible” by “Flux of Pink Indians’ No wonder I’m the mild mannered polite person I am today after listening to bands like that, great times.